The Ins-N-Outs of Bum-ing Bushes

I've started telling more people My Truth; that I am having an ongoing, every minute of every day deeply meaningful conversation with an infinitely benevolent being who most people call "God" -- and that this being and I have become quite close.

I've been profoundly moved and changed by our mutual friendship, and was most deeply honored recently when this being indicated it's appreciation for my willingness to occasionally take the role of a sort of humble teacher-servant towards it without subsequently losing all of my sense of safety in its arms or faith in its works -- we have both been able to allow each other to grow without that growth suddenly meaning "Oh my HECK!! You mean you don't know where you're going?!? WTF?!?"

We have been building instead a sense of "both of us mutually figuring this out as we go, not expecting the other to know all of the answers yet" which has for me long been one of the sure signs of a truly mutually beneficial friendship and partnership.  My Mother used to have a plaque in her kitchen that read "A friend is someone who knows where you've been, accepts what you've become, and still invites you to grow." yet as I and many people who try to believe in God have long thought -- I believed that kind of friendship to be one-way when it came to God. "He couldn't possibly need or want to grow, and he'll get mad at me for suggesting he should." And therefore, any time I found myself thinking that there was a discrepancy between what I thought *should be true* and what *was true* I always assumed it to be my mistake.

Last week after I had shared those thoughts with some people in my circle, I had *several* people gently state to me they thought my medication must be out of whack or -- truly I must be deeply insane to believe God would speak to me at all especially if I was audacious enough to believe I might be acting sometimes as "God's Teacher" -- and because I know God talks to me as much or more through other people, I thought maybe God was trying to tell me via these people that I was wrong about that part, and as a result I had started to doubt myself, thinking myself to be hallucinating or worse, profoundly blaspheming a being from whom I had received so much solace and guidance.

As a result of that I was upset and deeply conflicted internally. Every few moments for several days I was flipping between feeling some indignant embarrassment and feeling falsely accused by others (including God).

I had just gotten out of therapy where I had spoken with my therapist (who isn't entirely against the idea that I *could* be sane AND still be having a real conversation with that which is called 'God' by many) He had confirmed for me that there are several times throughout history where -- if people who believe there is a god look closely enough -- there is plenty of evidence that god has appeared to change his mind at the very least, if not actually prove himself to be "teachable" -- and if anyone is truly teachable, they're certainly not going to teach themselves a whole lot. So, since I deeply trust my therapist, that ruled out "blaspheming" or "crazy".

However, even my therapist had to tell me I was more than a little manic, to which I replied "You would be too if you started to realize you actually were talking with the real, right here and now palpable understandable god, not some incomprehensible old dude in a chair on clouds who acts in ways we don't understand ... but ... like ... The REAL God!" My therapist asked me to at least be willing start questioning whether all of this stuff might just be coming from too much of some neurotransmitter fluid floating around in me, even though it *seems* so damned REAL.

After therapy, I called a friend to see if she could meet me for coffee and just chat and try and get my head figured out. She said she would, and I drove to our meeting place. I was walking my dog by the coffee shop where we were to meet -- thinking about all of this and I finally got frustrated with the "catch-22" aspect of it. Though I am not a woman, I have long felt a deep resonance in me when I read those bumper stickers that say "Well-behaved women rarely make history." and it is deeply frustrating to me when people claim to believe in God (or at least SOMETHING greater than us) but then refuse to believe even the most basic of interactions with that being, accusing me or others of being insane or over-medicated or whatever.

While walking my dog, I said out loud (though I was completely alone *except* for my dog) "Ok, I need to know, big guy. I have never felt like I was blaspheming, I feel Loved and Loving when we talk -- and I know you're done with "big showy displays of miracles" which take a lot of work, are messy and nobody really believes them anyway -- but I could really use RIGHT NOW to know if YOU think my meds are out of whack. Am I thinking crazy sh** and imagining all of this because my meds are off -- or are you and I really talking and having an incredibly revelatory experience that most people don't understand because it looks so different from what anybody expected it to look like?"

I didn't get an answer right away, now looking back, I know that this type of question -- one that calls into question my own sanity -- cannot be answered inside my head, because any answer that "pops into my head" is coming via a potentially broken piece -- and has the possibility of being misinterpreted if that piece is broken. so now I know why the Universe *had* to use someone else to tell me whether my meds were off or not, and I assumed that I would have to trust the input of my friend who was coming to meet me for coffee.  I was surprised that the next thing *had* to take place, but it was still very cool to experience it.

So -- A few minutes later, I was waiting for my friend, I took my dog for a quick walk.  We were walking along a sidewalk that meandered behind an In-N-Out Burger, beside which there was a bush that hugged the side of the burger joint tightly and it appeared to have been there for a very long time. Just as I get close enough, the bush says something to me. I don't know why but I looked around for a person who had said something and then I said "Excuse me? I didn't quite..." and the bush said something else to me that I couldn't quite make out, but this time it was clear that the voice was coming from the bush, and there was nobody else around me -- so I kind of thought maybe God was trying to tell me something.

My first thought was "Oh, no. Everyone is right. My meds are off and I'm hallucinating again and God is trying to show me that I'm hallucinating so that I'll know." As the bush continued to mumble things directly to me, my next thought was "Ok, now you're just Punk'ing me, God. Even you wouldn't talk to me from a bush by an In-N-Out." So I peer deep into the bush looking for something that could be making the noise that sounds like talking -- but I see nothing but branches and the wall of the building -- so tightly pressed against each other nothing really could be behind there.

 I keep looking and the bush is STILL talking to me and now I can start to make out some words, saying stuff like "..well, yeah, that's just kinda the way things go sometimes, right?" which to my mind were sort of *possible* responses God might have to say in response to my question, but for the life of me, I couldn't understand why God would put me through this torture in public for all to see. At this point I start to feel not only deeply medicinally out of balance, but exposed, lost and ashamed (and hurt, really -- as if God is making fun of me).

As I'm truly beginning to despair for my mental health, I actually feel hot, frustrated tears welling up inside -- the tears of a five year old whose new best friend -- The Universe -- has just angrily told him to take his toys and go home.  At this point I'm so angry at God, myself, my meds, my doctors, my abusers ... everything begins to crash down upon me in my frustration at being knocked back so many steps -- when I honestly thought both I and God were taking better care of me than that.

I let out one quick sob and inserted back into my lexicon the capital letters which separate Him and me, feeling sorry and embarrassed for having tested the boundaries of my new friendship with All That Is. I chastised myself and started to feel foolish and stupid for believing "The Almighty He" would waste His time with someone as horribly broken and messed up as I.

Then out of nowhere I think "Wait. When God is communicating with me it is always really CLEAR. I get what he's saying with no problem. if he was going to be sending me a message right now, I would hear it and understand it -- he wouldn't waste his time mumbling, communicating something I could possibly miss or misinterpret. The voice coming from the bush can't be God -- I must be mistaken."

So, trusting myself and the big guy and what I *know* to be true again, I then take some action, and start looking for the source of the fallacy -- knowing now that I can't be hallucinating this voice -- if I was hallucinating the voice, it would be clear and I'd understand what it was saying -- why would my mind go to the trouble of hallucinating a voice of God that I couldn't understand?  if my mind wanted me to believe I was talking with God when I really wasn't, my mind would have made dang sure I heard every word clearly.

So, I change my position -- I step BEHIND the bush, and what do you know, but a homeless guy was sitting scrunched up  waaaaay back there on a cheap cell phone talking to his Mother. I happen to know he was talking to his Mom because right then he says "Hang on, Mom. Somebody's at my door." And I immediately locked eyes with the guy behind the bush and we both laughed at his use of the phrase "somebody's at my door".  He shrugged at me as if to say "What else would you have thought I'd say?" and then, seeming like he's sort of apologizing for his trespass, he says "I'm sorry, I'm of The Homeless Variety..." And I say "No! No, you're fine. I'm sooooooo relieved, actually. I've been feeling insane lately and had *just then* asked God slash The Universe to tell me if my meds were out of whack and... right then I heard a voice speaking to me from behind this bush and I guess I thought that hallucinating a voice from behind a bush was God's way of telling me my meds WERE out of whack."

And he chuckles, looks me right in the eye and in a suddenly much more loving, brother-to-brother way that had all apology and social distance removed from it he said "Nope! your meds are just fine, brother." and resumed his talk with his Mother.

At which point a deeply funny relief quickly swept over me.  God had just answered my question.  He had answered my question the only way he could have -- by using another person and a real life situation -- because any answer that came from only in my mind would have been suspect... he used the very first person I came into contact with after I asked the question -- and he used that person in a very miraculous way -- through making me *think* I was hallucinating their existence in the first place, proving to myself they were really there, trusting them to not judge me, not judging them, honestly just connecting with them in mutual warmth and friendship -- and through that connection delivering to me a true answer.

And I stood there with my jaw to my chest -- shocked, really -- realizing to my utter amazement that The Universe -- All That Is -- had just spoken directly to me, answering my heartfelt question -- via a bush... by a sidewalk... at the back of an In-N-Out Burger.