307 Days -- My Mind Is Exploding With Stars

Day 307

Julian Date 2456357.940961

For nearly a year now, my mind has been exploding in one way or another and has been causing me to feel rather insane from time to time.  It has worried my family and friends to death and has really caused a lot of problems.  I'll have to eventually back-fill some of the information about what happened and how it is continuing at a later time -- I hope to do that soon.  Every time I sit down to write it out, the stuff that's going on RIGHT NOW becomes so urgent -- as if nobody will ever need to know or want to know "what happened" or how I got to the place where I am having this direct connection with [All That Is] anyway.

But at the same time, I have to admit, I love it. My mind has long been something that I wasn't sure if it was my friend or my enemy and it's always been very challenging to me to figure that out.  In fact I even thought that I needed to keep close tabs on my brain because situationally I believed my brain could become my enemy very quickly, but I also believed that it was my only true friend.

I have learned a lot through this connection with [All That Is] and I'm beginning to see the connections between the connections and that is at best overwhelming and yet also beautiful, in a fractal kind of way -- it looks like a mess but the chaotic nature is a thing of beauty in itself.

There is so much that I want to write about -- but there are only a few things that are really important for others to know -- because so much of what I'm dealing with is my own personal growth struggles -- and it seems to me that the only thing that could be of any real use to anyone else will be the "Meta" bits -- those things which say regardless of why I did this or what it meant to me, I did this thing for a reason and what I did solved a problem for me.  But if that were the truth, then I might as well put up a blog with a single entry that said "OMG!! See... there was this *problem* and I fixed it!"and I'd get a gazillion hits on my site.

Yet, there are a gazillion blogs out there that essentially already do that bit -- it's been done over and over to death.  These blogs expect you to find them by looking at the problem they solved or are in the process of solving and connect with them and share their success in fixing what ailed them.

My focus is and must be the simple unexplainable fact that problems have solutions ... they don't stay problems forever -- they are either a "problem en se" in that the mere existence of the person creates the problem itself which can and will only be solved upon that person's death or removal from a position of influence, or they are a "problem prohibitum" in that they are a problem which prohibits a person from moving forward in a particular direction towards a resolution of some sort.

Problems which can only be resolved at or after the time of death simply wouldn't be presented to us in a world in which there were problems which could also be solved.  I know that may be a bit hard to grok, so I want to explore this bit deeper.  Einstein is famously quoted as having said

“Problems cannot be solved by the same level of thinking that created them.”

yet Einstein is also famous for having said a lot of other stuff pertaining to Science and Religion, Insanity and Death, etc.  I find myself continually running into things that Einstein said or did -- and yet instead of seeing me as Genius or Intellectual, most of my friends and family see me as insane.

I am technically insane.  I have a "disorder" which is classified as a Mental Illness, and many times that stops me dead in my tracks in trying to solve problems -- I get to the place where I cannot determine if my Mental Illness is creating the problem itself or if my mind is actually working at that point and *not* acting insanely.

To put it bluntly, my mind is exploding with new thought, new ideas, new connections every day of my existence and I do not believe myself to be utterly insane meaning that any thought I have is suspect, only certain kinds of thoughts are suspect and when I reach those kinds of thoughts, I take great pause and search out in The Universe for answers.  I am trying very hard to be a good steward of the knowledge that I am being made privy to, and I am humbled every day that I would be allowed to see the things I'm seeing.  I remain uncertain of my purpose in this lifetime -- uncertain as to whether I am supposed to leave some legacy behind of being the first person to understand [All That Is] or whether I am to be seen as an insane person who's rantings took him to the very edge of existence and back.

We'll just have to see on that last bit.  We'll just have to see.