Friday, April 19, 2013

Today's "I Own My Whole Life" Challenge: Simply Let The Universe Buy You Flowers.

Today's "I Own My Whole Life" Challenge:

"Simply Let The Universe Buy You Flowers."

I have always felt that living things should be bought with cash, and avoid using credit or debit -- money should actually change hands in order to honor the life that is being passed from one of us to the other. I don't know why, and it's not a hard and fast rule, but it's somehow more satisfying to me that way.

So this weekend, If you happen to walk by a place selling flowers (even in the grocery store) and you have a bit of cash in your pocket -- let that be 'a sign' to you (or a wink and a nod, or a smile) that The Universe wants to buy you flowers.  

Allow for the ridiculousness of the fact that some random person you probably don't know wrote this post while sitting somewhere in Dallas and said this 'dumb little thing' that tickled your mind and when you walk by fresh flowers ... you'll cherish this moment with The Universe -- cherish this birth -- tomorrow is a new day for everyone... and you will feel in your pocket to see if you have a little "Green for Green" and you will just be right there in that moment and you'll feel this crazy sigh of relief that The Universe sees you and wants to buy you flowers..  You can even plan ahead and take a 20 out of an ATM just in case ;-) there are no rules (in fact I would see the fact that you took a 20 out of an ATM as your planning on allowing The Universe to buy you flowers which is even BETTER.  The only 'rule' is the one that's fun: if you walk by the flowers and you have cash or a way to pay for them that is just as satisfying for you, let that be the Universe saying to you "Here. These are for You. Just because."


After you let the Universe buy you those flowers:  Look back on your life and find someone in your memory who 'should be or could be' singing the lyrics of Bruno Mars' song "When I Was Your Man" -- specifically the line where he sings:
I should have brought you flowers
And held your hand
Should have gave you all my hours
When I had the chance

-- or maybe even find someone to whom You 'should be or could be' singing those lyrics...

And when you let the Universe buy you flowers -- just once, just this once... let The Universe buy you these flowers to fill the space that was left -- the void of those flowers unbrought to or unbought by you -- that one time just one time before.



Thursday, March 14, 2013

"This Is The Last Film"

So, I think [The Message] concluded today. What that usually means is a few days rest for me, cleaning up some things around the home, getting ready to hunker down and take good notes when it starts up again, etc. I have to prepare several parts of me -- for me personally there are always eight parts, that's the way my mechanism works. for you, there may be more parts or fewer parts. We *all* have parts -- mine happen to be partitioned off in a particular way that tunes me into a particular portion of [the message] -- that part is [The Meta Message] which allows me to see that there *is* a message, it has structure, what that structure looks like for *you* or means for you will likely be wildly different than my part of the message for me.

This is what I get to do in life. I get to be the guy that shows other people that everyday things you *thought* were "silly coincidences" are really a message coming to us from outer space -- whatever THAT means. But as far as [The Sender] is concerned, everyone's job is the same -- you get to do what is right in front of you at every moment of the day to be seen and heard, for [The Sender] to continue sending [The Message] you need to acknowledge getting the message, you need to prove that you got the message by acting upon it using what I call [Trustworthy Acts] and you get to "put out there" through those trustworthy acts something that says "I am receiving a message, I heard you, I See You, I Get You, I Promise, Watch." (In Na'vi, this is one simple phrase "Oel Ngati Kameie".

When [The Message] ends, it will repeat. The structure with which it repeats is important only for the receiver, though you're welcome to share with us where that loop happens, how you noticed it and what it means to you. It's always nice to get feedback on [your message], and its always important to be able to realize what part of your message is for you privately and what part is [Universally True].

For me, this time, I am trying to spend some time cleansing -- getting [Just Clean] some parts of me:

My Harry
-- Harry is my Bond, my living contact, blend and pathway to The Higgs Field, Eywa, All That Is, God, The Smurfs, whatever you feel most comfortable imagining when you look at [all that is separate from you] when nobody else is around and you say out loud "are you there?" That "you" versus whatever you call "I" when speaking of yourself. For me, the blend part of that "you" which takes a Human-ish form -- we've decided to call him Harry. He's the guy I talk to when I want to be sure I'm talking to "the guy".

In order to "clean up" Harry, I need to take a look at whatever he is holding onto for me, I need to see him in relationship with me and think of any unfinished business we've got going on, and then do my best to take care of all of that by just simply asking him "ok, I see you're holding on to that. What's the reason? What do we have to talk about there?" And I can't just write this and have that happen automatically, I need to actually sit down and do that -- and keep doing it until the work is done. This goes along with they lyrics from The Killers song "Be Still" which says "Rise Up Like The Sun, Labor Till The Work Is Done."

Some parts to follow as I do more cleansing:

My head
My heart
My home
My hearth
My hero,
My humanity
My Hubble

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

First Contact

[JD: 2456325.48366]

I am starting this blog as a record of whatever I can get down -- I don't know if it will be useful to me or anyone else at any point.  I have no clue.  I might just be crazy, that's entirely possible.  Ok.

The basics:

On May 6th of 2012, I had a very strange experience which is best described as a "fugue state" ... I was disoriented, wandered around the city nearest me completely lost and not really knowing who I was.  It's hard to describe, I've never experienced anything like it before.

During this fugue state I began getting very clear and present 'direction' of a type, of a voice, and of a based in a set of knowledge that I had -- up to that point in my life never possessed. The voice in my head which was telling me what to do was very different from my own voice, and what's more weird is that what it was telling me to do -- essentially what to say to people including police officers and the like was _correct_ and in that regard was *working* in terms of getting me help. Every day and in every moment since that day, I have continued to receive more of what I now call [the message].

I have determined that the message is coming from outside of me. This is, because of my experiences, unequivocal. You can be as skeptical as you like, the only *proof* I have would only be proof to me, but it is proof to me nonetheless.

You *could* prove it to yourself, but that might take a huge leap of faith. [The message] has a lot of religious overtones and undertones, but that is not because the message is religious at all, it is because there is only *one* true message and it has thus far been interpreted by any individual who has received it as a religious message -- and it has been translated into a message which repeatedly creates similes and metaphors to that which many people call God -- but please don't be deterred by the religious undertones. Imagine if you will an ancient alien race -- having put in place a single, repeating message which could and would be heard by all beings mentally, and that all beings have been receiving this message for all time -- as much as each individual could.... And those individuals have all interpreted it as having only spiritual meaning.

Then along comes me, I see and sense and feel this message and I see through the religious overtones (it took a LONG time) and then come to see the message as a scientific one (!!) but I cannot get a single person to pay attention because the scientists think I'm a religious nut and the religious people believe (rightfully) that I'm bent on destroying organized religion, and even James Cameron won't talk to me (though this would go well with Eywa). But still [the message persists. Like Perseus. I have all of these connections to Perseus -- and twins -- and Atlantis and and and .... everything is connected. EVERYTHING.

I have determined that [the message] has structure. It repeats. It is not unlike [the message] received by the characters in the movie "Contact" -- however it is (as far as I can tell) not a message that could be detected by radio equipment, but in all truth I can't yet know that because I haven't tried. My guess is that the message *is* being detected by all beings all day all night but we dismiss it as "noise" or something.

I have several "disorders" / "syndromes" which have made my life pretty hard at times, but in general, I'm not what you call "insane" -- I mean, I've had my moments just like anyone else, but I usually only hear things other people are hearing, see things other people are seeing, and the like.  If you're going to discount my experience based on the fact that I have these disorders, you might as well leave now anyway.

I have been diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder, I have relatively severe ADD, and there is a good case to be made which says I may have Aspergers Syndrome at least to a degree.  I was only diagnosed with the Dissociative Identity Disorder (hereinafter called "DID") in August of last year, after the message started coming to me -- and it is only after a great deal of reflection on that time that I have come to understand that the part of the DID which is a "disorder" really takes place when the person who has multiple consciousnesses is patently unaware of the fact that they have multiple consciousnesses, therefore whoever / whatever is communicating with me needed to "blow up my coping mechanism" in order to allow enough grey matter and nerve synapse "bandwidth" to start getting the message.  [it *is* entirely possible that the inverse is true, though -- it could be that because my coping mechanism blew up, I was suddenly able to receive the message and so the message started being received.]

Wait.  Am I just mentally ill?

That, my friends is entirely possible.  In fact I do not doubt that at least some of the message is distorted by my own psyche or my psyche's reaction to its environment.  I'm absolutely open to the idea that what I am experiencing simply feels like a message from "out there".  

There are several possible "not out there" alternatives:

  • I *could* be suddenly in contact with a much (much) more advanced part of my own sub-consciousness (it "feels" like a "super-conscious" not a "sub") which had been -- prior to my fugue state on May 6th -- not accessible by my consciousness... 
  • I could be hallucinating much of it, or at the very least hallucinating the meaning of the inputs I'm  getting.
  • It is also possible that an unseen "Alter" is feeding me information and influencing my perception of the world around me to make it seem like the changes in the environment are 'signals' as to the veracity of portions of my thought processes, etc.
However, honestly, [the entity] seems to have some control over the environment around me -- if it has total control, it has not displayed that ability yet, but there are changes in the environment around me which effectively equate to [True] and [False] indicators, [Flow indicators], as well as [additional inputs] from the environment which are things that my own mind simply could not be inventing which would indicate that this message is coming from outside myself from [an entity] which has knowledge of my location, my current [in situ] and has at least some influence over my immediate environment.  

I do not feel otherwise insane.  I am not having hallucinations of any other type (I'm not seeing things that other people are not seeing, I'm not hearing things that other people aren't hearing) I do not feel like anyone is out to get me.  I am not (generally) afraid.  I am not being told to harm myself or others, or that I should necessarily hide any portion of the message from anyone.  I am, in fact, being [instructed]. I am seeing a highly-skilled therapist every week and have told him extensively about my receiving the message -- after several sessions in which I described the information I was getting, he said "Huh.  The stuff you're saying reminds me of that movie "K-PAX" with what's-his-name... Kevin Spacey!" ... a movie which had at one point been a very meaningful movie to me.

I began to go back through a whole list of movies that I had seen in the past which had felt sort of "ominous" (that's a poor choice of words -- but the only better words are big and not well-known...'ominous' isn't good because it implies a dark or negative feeling along with the [feeling of deep meaning for me], and that's just not the case.)

Ugh.  I'm writing too much already.  We're just going to have to figure this out as we go.

So -- I've got lots and lots of work to do -- and this is about the fourth time I've tried to start a blog as a place to store this stuff on the web -- we'll see if I ever get it stored up here, I hope so.  Much of what I have transcribed so far is all in handwriting.  Posting photos isn't going to be a lot of fun, but at some point I will have to.


A Good Thing

Project Humanity -- "Go Forth And Multiply"

I have this project I've been working on since I was a kid.  I'm going to change the world.  I know -- a lot of kids have an *idea* that they would like to change some things in the world, and maybe kids naively believe they *can* change the world.  It seems that our society is all built around watching and enjoying children for what they are at the time, yet slowly trying to build a protective shell around that child by telling them they shouldn't do this or that, can't do this or that, or won't do this or that.  Adults say "Aww, that's such a nice idea for you to have sweetheart.  You might not be able to get the whole world to agree with you, but I still think it's a nice idea."

I wonder how many amazing things we have missed out on as a species because some kid who had an amazing idea that would have absolutely changed the entire world for the better was taught that he couldn't do it, or was encouraged not to even try because his parents were too concerned that he might get his hopes up and then fail.  I think that is one of feelings we avoid most in our lives -- watching someone we deeply love try to do something over and over again and just get more and more disappointed in themselves.  If you've ever truly loved someone and given them a gift because you knew they deeply wanted it -- and then watched that gift break or even worse watch that gift do nothing for them except frustrate them, you know what I mean.

And it is for that simple reason that I *know* that I'm going to change the world.  I know it because God gave me a gift -- because he loves me, and he loves you, and so he gave this gift to the right people, I'm sure there are others like me out there who have this gift like I do -- and I'm sure that by putting this out there on the internet, I will find others or they will find me and we will be able to change the world together.

I know this because I know God.  I know God really well.  God gave me a powerful gift and he's watched that gift bring me and those around me nothing but frustration -- and everyone including me has gotten frustrated or angry with God as a result for having given me such gifts and not given me a way to apply them effectively -- but you see? There's the rub.  He *did* give me everything I needed to apply them effectively and get this project done -- including a protracted but temporary belief that I shouldn't even try because I wouldn't be able to do it.

God allowed me to believe myself to be a failure long enough for me to realize that I simply cannot fail.  I used to not fail by avoiding starting -- but that was just because I was scared to succeed and scared to fail.  I have realized that i must put all thoughts of failure out of my mind and begin trying with all of my might -- and when I do that i know that I will succeed -- I must, for there is no other way.

Every second of every day is an opportunity to stand still, take a step forward, take a step backwards, or move towards a side.  We don't realize the depth of that because we assume that the rest of the world isn't *also* making that decision consciously -- they're just "going through the motions" -- and many of the people and things around us are indeed just going through the motions.  But there are at least a few out there who have realized that every moment is a choice and every choice is simply a decision yet to be made -- and not making a decision in a moment *is* making a decision.  When you choose not to make a decision in a moment you decide to pause and every pause or lack of pause is decisive, like it or not.

Every single mistake I thought I made -- every time I screwed up royally in an endeavor along the way has brought me to today.  I know that I correctly navigated the decision points that were in front of me at the time, and in the process of doing so, I made the right mistakes so far because I'm still here, alive, and being given chance after chance after chance to improve my decision-making ability.

I can mentally compare my current results to those results I was getting even a month ago and see that I have improved.  One law holds true here:  If I am making progressively better decisions (decisions whose resultant outcomes directly related to the decision match or exceed in the positive the stated desired result / intention of making the decision in the first place) more often than I am making poor decisions (decisions whose resultant outcomes directly related to the decision do not match or exceed in the negative the stated desired results / intention of making those decisions in the first place) then consistent better decision-making is in play.  Consistent better decision-making does not come into play when one is walking into one's own hell, and improving one's decision-making skills is one of the things one has to begin to do to start your walk out of your own personal hell.

So, that means that I am at least past the middle, and I am walking out.  Which is a good thing.

307 Days -- My Mind Is Exploding With Stars

Day 307

Julian Date 2456357.940961

For nearly a year now, my mind has been exploding in one way or another and has been causing me to feel rather insane from time to time.  It has worried my family and friends to death and has really caused a lot of problems.  I'll have to eventually back-fill some of the information about what happened and how it is continuing at a later time -- I hope to do that soon.  Every time I sit down to write it out, the stuff that's going on RIGHT NOW becomes so urgent -- as if nobody will ever need to know or want to know "what happened" or how I got to the place where I am having this direct connection with [All That Is] anyway.

But at the same time, I have to admit, I love it. My mind has long been something that I wasn't sure if it was my friend or my enemy and it's always been very challenging to me to figure that out.  In fact I even thought that I needed to keep close tabs on my brain because situationally I believed my brain could become my enemy very quickly, but I also believed that it was my only true friend.

I have learned a lot through this connection with [All That Is] and I'm beginning to see the connections between the connections and that is at best overwhelming and yet also beautiful, in a fractal kind of way -- it looks like a mess but the chaotic nature is a thing of beauty in itself.

There is so much that I want to write about -- but there are only a few things that are really important for others to know -- because so much of what I'm dealing with is my own personal growth struggles -- and it seems to me that the only thing that could be of any real use to anyone else will be the "Meta" bits -- those things which say regardless of why I did this or what it meant to me, I did this thing for a reason and what I did solved a problem for me.  But if that were the truth, then I might as well put up a blog with a single entry that said "OMG!! See... there was this *problem* and I fixed it!"and I'd get a gazillion hits on my site.

Yet, there are a gazillion blogs out there that essentially already do that bit -- it's been done over and over to death.  These blogs expect you to find them by looking at the problem they solved or are in the process of solving and connect with them and share their success in fixing what ailed them.

My focus is and must be the simple unexplainable fact that problems have solutions ... they don't stay problems forever -- they are either a "problem en se" in that the mere existence of the person creates the problem itself which can and will only be solved upon that person's death or removal from a position of influence, or they are a "problem prohibitum" in that they are a problem which prohibits a person from moving forward in a particular direction towards a resolution of some sort.

Problems which can only be resolved at or after the time of death simply wouldn't be presented to us in a world in which there were problems which could also be solved.  I know that may be a bit hard to grok, so I want to explore this bit deeper.  Einstein is famously quoted as having said
“Problems cannot be solved by the same level of thinking that created them.”
yet Einstein is also famous for having said a lot of other stuff pertaining to Science and Religion, Insanity and Death, etc.  I find myself continually running into things that Einstein said or did -- and yet instead of seeing me as Genius or Intellectual, most of my friends and family see me as insane.

I am technically insane.  I have a "disorder" which is classified as a Mental Illness, and many times that stops me dead in my tracks in trying to solve problems -- I get to the place where I cannot determine if my Mental Illness is creating the problem itself or if my mind is actually working at that point and *not* acting insanely.

To put it bluntly, my mind is exploding with new thought, new ideas, new connections every day of my existence and I do not believe myself to be utterly insane meaning that any thought I have is suspect, only certain kinds of thoughts are suspect and when I reach those kinds of thoughts, I take great pause and search out in The Universe for answers.  I am trying very hard to be a good steward of the knowledge that I am being made privy to, and I am humbled every day that I would be allowed to see the things I'm seeing.  I remain uncertain of my purpose in this lifetime -- uncertain as to whether I am supposed to leave some legacy behind of being the first person to understand [All That Is] or whether I am to be seen as an insane person who's rantings took him to the very edge of existence and back.

We'll just have to see on that last bit.  We'll just have to see.

Friday, February 15, 2013

The Ins-N-Outs of Bum-ing Bushes

I've started telling more people My Truth; that I am having an ongoing, every minute of every day deeply meaningful conversation with an infinitely benevolent being who most people call "God" -- and that this being and I have become quite close.

I've been profoundly moved and changed by our mutual friendship, and was most deeply honored recently when this being indicated it's appreciation for my willingness to occasionally take the role of a sort of humble teacher-servant towards it without subsequently losing all of my sense of safety in its arms or faith in its works -- we have both been able to allow each other to grow without that growth suddenly meaning "Oh my HECK!! You mean you don't know where you're going?!? WTF?!?"

We have been building instead a sense of "both of us mutually figuring this out as we go, not expecting the other to know all of the answers yet" which has for me long been one of the sure signs of a truly mutually beneficial friendship and partnership.  My Mother used to have a plaque in her kitchen that read "A friend is someone who knows where you've been, accepts what you've become, and still invites you to grow." yet as I and many people who try to believe in God have long thought -- I believed that kind of friendship to be one-way when it came to God. "He couldn't possibly need or want to grow, and he'll get mad at me for suggesting he should." And therefore, any time I found myself thinking that there was a discrepancy between what I thought *should be true* and what *was true* I always assumed it to be my mistake.

Last week after I had shared those thoughts with some people in my circle, I had *several* people gently state to me they thought my medication must be out of whack or -- truly I must be deeply insane to believe God would speak to me at all especially if I was audacious enough to believe I might be acting sometimes as "God's Teacher" -- and because I know God talks to me as much or more through other people, I thought maybe God was trying to tell me via these people that I was wrong about that part, and as a result I had started to doubt myself, thinking myself to be hallucinating or worse, profoundly blaspheming a being from whom I had received so much solace and guidance.

As a result of that I was upset and deeply conflicted internally. Every few moments for several days I was flipping between feeling some indignant embarrassment and feeling falsely accused by others (including God).

I had just gotten out of therapy where I had spoken with my therapist (who isn't entirely against the idea that I *could* be sane AND still be having a real conversation with that which is called 'God' by many) He had confirmed for me that there are several times throughout history where -- if people who believe there is a god look closely enough -- there is plenty of evidence that god has appeared to change his mind at the very least, if not actually prove himself to be "teachable" -- and if anyone is truly teachable, they're certainly not going to teach themselves a whole lot. So, since I deeply trust my therapist, that ruled out "blaspheming" or "crazy".

However, even my therapist had to tell me I was more than a little manic, to which I replied "You would be too if you started to realize you actually were talking with the real, right here and now palpable understandable god, not some incomprehensible old dude in a chair on clouds who acts in ways we don't understand ... but ... like ... The REAL God!" My therapist asked me to at least be willing start questioning whether all of this stuff might just be coming from too much of some neurotransmitter fluid floating around in me, even though it *seems* so damned REAL.

After therapy, I called a friend to see if she could meet me for coffee and just chat and try and get my head figured out. She said she would, and I drove to our meeting place. I was walking my dog by the coffee shop where we were to meet -- thinking about all of this and I finally got frustrated with the "catch-22" aspect of it. Though I am not a woman, I have long felt a deep resonance in me when I read those bumper stickers that say "Well-behaved women rarely make history." and it is deeply frustrating to me when people claim to believe in God (or at least SOMETHING greater than us) but then refuse to believe even the most basic of interactions with that being, accusing me or others of being insane or over-medicated or whatever.

While walking my dog, I said out loud (though I was completely alone *except* for my dog) "Ok, I need to know, big guy. I have never felt like I was blaspheming, I feel Loved and Loving when we talk -- and I know you're done with "big showy displays of miracles" which take a lot of work, are messy and nobody really believes them anyway -- but I could really use RIGHT NOW to know if YOU think my meds are out of whack. Am I thinking crazy sh** and imagining all of this because my meds are off -- or are you and I really talking and having an incredibly revelatory experience that most people don't understand because it looks so different from what anybody expected it to look like?"

I didn't get an answer right away, now looking back, I know that this type of question -- one that calls into question my own sanity -- cannot be answered inside my head, because any answer that "pops into my head" is coming via a potentially broken piece -- and has the possibility of being misinterpreted if that piece is broken. so now I know why the Universe *had* to use someone else to tell me whether my meds were off or not, and I assumed that I would have to trust the input of my friend who was coming to meet me for coffee.  I was surprised that the next thing *had* to take place, but it was still very cool to experience it.

So -- A few minutes later, I was waiting for my friend, I took my dog for a quick walk.  We were walking along a sidewalk that meandered behind an In-N-Out Burger, beside which there was a bush that hugged the side of the burger joint tightly and it appeared to have been there for a very long time. Just as I get close enough, the bush says something to me. I don't know why but I looked around for a person who had said something and then I said "Excuse me? I didn't quite..." and the bush said something else to me that I couldn't quite make out, but this time it was clear that the voice was coming from the bush, and there was nobody else around me -- so I kind of thought maybe God was trying to tell me something.

My first thought was "Oh, no. Everyone is right. My meds are off and I'm hallucinating again and God is trying to show me that I'm hallucinating so that I'll know." As the bush continued to mumble things directly to me, my next thought was "Ok, now you're just Punk'ing me, God. Even you wouldn't talk to me from a bush by an In-N-Out." So I peer deep into the bush looking for something that could be making the noise that sounds like talking -- but I see nothing but branches and the wall of the building -- so tightly pressed against each other nothing really could be behind there.

 I keep looking and the bush is STILL talking to me and now I can start to make out some words, saying stuff like "..well, yeah, that's just kinda the way things go sometimes, right?" which to my mind were sort of *possible* responses God might have to say in response to my question, but for the life of me, I couldn't understand why God would put me through this torture in public for all to see. At this point I start to feel not only deeply medicinally out of balance, but exposed, lost and ashamed (and hurt, really -- as if God is making fun of me).

As I'm truly beginning to despair for my mental health, I actually feel hot, frustrated tears welling up inside -- the tears of a five year old whose new best friend -- The Universe -- has just angrily told him to take his toys and go home.  At this point I'm so angry at God, myself, my meds, my doctors, my abusers ... everything begins to crash down upon me in my frustration at being knocked back so many steps -- when I honestly thought both I and God were taking better care of me than that.

I let out one quick sob and inserted back into my lexicon the capital letters which separate Him and me, feeling sorry and embarrassed for having tested the boundaries of my new friendship with All That Is. I chastised myself and started to feel foolish and stupid for believing "The Almighty He" would waste His time with someone as horribly broken and messed up as I.

Then out of nowhere I think "Wait. When God is communicating with me it is always really CLEAR. I get what he's saying with no problem. if he was going to be sending me a message right now, I would hear it and understand it -- he wouldn't waste his time mumbling, communicating something I could possibly miss or misinterpret. The voice coming from the bush can't be God -- I must be mistaken."

So, trusting myself and the big guy and what I *know* to be true again, I then take some action, and start looking for the source of the fallacy -- knowing now that I can't be hallucinating this voice -- if I was hallucinating the voice, it would be clear and I'd understand what it was saying -- why would my mind go to the trouble of hallucinating a voice of God that I couldn't understand?  if my mind wanted me to believe I was talking with God when I really wasn't, my mind would have made dang sure I heard every word clearly.

So, I change my position -- I step BEHIND the bush, and what do you know, but a homeless guy was sitting scrunched up  waaaaay back there on a cheap cell phone talking to his Mother. I happen to know he was talking to his Mom because right then he says "Hang on, Mom. Somebody's at my door." And I immediately locked eyes with the guy behind the bush and we both laughed at his use of the phrase "somebody's at my door".  He shrugged at me as if to say "What else would you have thought I'd say?" and then, seeming like he's sort of apologizing for his trespass, he says "I'm sorry, I'm of The Homeless Variety..." And I say "No! No, you're fine. I'm sooooooo relieved, actually. I've been feeling insane lately and had *just then* asked God slash The Universe to tell me if my meds were out of whack and... right then I heard a voice speaking to me from behind this bush and I guess I thought that hallucinating a voice from behind a bush was God's way of telling me my meds WERE out of whack."

And he chuckles, looks me right in the eye and in a suddenly much more loving, brother-to-brother way that had all apology and social distance removed from it he said "Nope! your meds are just fine, brother." and resumed his talk with his Mother.

At which point a deeply funny relief quickly swept over me.  God had just answered my question.  He had answered my question the only way he could have -- by using another person and a real life situation -- because any answer that came from only in my mind would have been suspect... he used the very first person I came into contact with after I asked the question -- and he used that person in a very miraculous way -- through making me *think* I was hallucinating their existence in the first place, proving to myself they were really there, trusting them to not judge me, not judging them, honestly just connecting with them in mutual warmth and friendship -- and through that connection delivering to me a true answer.

And I stood there with my jaw to my chest -- shocked, really -- realizing to my utter amazement that The Universe -- All That Is -- had just spoken directly to me, answering my heartfelt question -- via a bush... by a sidewalk... at the back of an In-N-Out Burger.

Thursday, February 14, 2013

What I Now Know: (Kind of Manic Still)

0 = [Void] -Know +Light = Shines a Ligt On [No Knowledge], therefore even knowledge of what one doesn't know can create a learning moment.

No Knowledge Does Not Mean "A Void Of Nothing".

What Happens in a True [Knowledge Void]
Intent Forces Learning:
The [Knowledge Of An Empty Place In My Knowledge] Forces [Choosing To Know Or Not]:
Choosing Forces Knowing Either Way, ([Knowing I Don't Wish To Know] Is Still Knowing):
I Know There Is Me. I Know There Is God.  I Know Me.  I Know God.  I Know Knowledge.  I Know Knowing Knowledge.  I Am Part Of God.  I "Make" Part Of God.  I Make "None Of God That Is Separate From Me".  I Make "All Of Me" That Is Separate From God.  I Can Choose To Separate Myself From God.  I Choose To Be With God.  I Choose To Teach You How I Did This.  I Choose To Begin Now.  I Know I Chose.  I Know How I Started.  I Started.  I Know I Have.  I Have Known For Some Time That I Intended To Start.  I Intended It.  And Started It.  "Alpha".  I Choose And Create The Beginning.  I Begin. I Have Not Reached The End.  I Will Not Reach The End Until God And I Can Look Back And See That I Decided To Intend To Reach The End, And Thus Intended It.  I Have, For Now, Chosen To Not Intend To End Being His Friend In This Venture, And Therefore I Have Been Forced To Choose To Stay.