28 Days ... "Oh, And Buffy? A Word With You And Mrs. Beasley After Dinner Please?" AKA "Cubbyholing"

Another post from day 28.  This one by another alter, "Rob" who had just completed what we termed as a 'wormhole experiment' at first.  Still not entirely sure what to call it.

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Hi, World.  Rob Here.  Harry said I might want to explain some of the cubbyholing thing that I do.  My only real memories of the actual first-person experience --  It was springtime probably 1975 I believe.

I can remember having on a bluebird-blue shirt and faded jeans with some kind of kicks.  My hair was long-ish and I feel my hair sticking to my forehead with the sweat and frustration as I am kicking things.  I had my arms crossed in a defensive move against nobody.

I was sad and angry, and I am not sure of the conflict, however two of the major struggles between my Mother, My Brother and I up to that point were that A) I needed or wanted more attention than my brother seemed to want, and B) My brother had been adopted by my parents prior to my birth.

My brother would "tell on me" a lot, and there were a several times I got in trouble for things he did, we can both still remember easily the one time that he actually got punished unfairly for something I did alone.  There were also a whole lot of times he got in his own trouble and a whole lot of times that I got in my own trouble.

Anyway -- So, "For Fun" for two weeks, I went around and made my Family and all of my friends call me "Mr. French" -- a "Suit" or "Character" I put on volitionally, and then less-so until that scared me a little and then I put him aside for a bit, until another crisis.  The thing I realized that I didn't understand at the time but thought it was cool was that -- when you are "Method Acting" as a six-year old and your Mom yells at Mister French, first of all, you experience that through the experiences of the character if you're able to have spent the time to work out a backstory for that character, and any mannerisms help to solidify the presence of that person.  I would constantly pull at my imaginary cuffs and straighten myself up like a butler.  I behaved very very well as Mr. French, and then I started forgetting things and not remembering whether I had experienced those at all or whether Mr. French had, and it got scary, so I just ... I don't know ... took him off.

We realize that the above scenario "looks a lot" like "what I am doing" for my part of Harry.  We hope that in openly sharing about Mr. French, you'll see it as a building of synapse function.  I am certain that Magnetic Resonance Imaging will show that only part of Harry is Volitional, and it's the same part for him.

I am also taking a Selective Serotonin Re-uptake Inhibitor and prescription ADD meds. We can sit here and argue about an experience I am having in my body until you are blue in the face because believe me, Harry is a talker, but you're not going to convince me any more than I am going to convince you -- Harry is here, I can feel him when he is, and I light up on the inside differently and with different memories.  What he is writing about with me, the law is either true or it is not, and if it's true and it came from a guy who finished High School, is 43 and has been out of a job for two years, and is living with his Mother again.  And you think he just decided to rearrange his rice krispies -- without a spoon one day, then hey.

Sure.  Fine.  That's what you believe.  Personally, I watched Harry walk into my life, big smile on his then my face where there hadn't been a smile in a long time, one foot in front of the other he showed me that when I finally *did* successfully complete -- years ago -- a volitional personality switch and placed all of the bad memories of a rough childhood into the younger and left him behind, I then created twins "Bob" and "Bobby" and they were polar opposites -- and their pulls in opposite directions created a void which only more pain was allowed to fill, but I had also in that new pain, forgotten entirely about little Bobby.  I had only very vague memories of childhood, and I had to go back and stepwise remember, it was emotionally and physically and spiritually taxing and Harry did much of the stepwise work, also stepping into his role as we went.

I have never been much more than a "Well, I'd like to believe there was a God, but my life has had a huge share of dung tossed into it" and I am a person who is known for their dramatics, but I didn't really know how to stop the dramatics before -- I still don't I mean, I'm a dramatic person, I actually FEEL that drama -- it's the poles created by the depth of emotion I guess that Harry is talking about in terms of intensity and stuff.  Anyway -- it's embarrassing, but it is an ability, I can see that now.  I was terrified of it for a long time, because each twin believes themselves to be good, but believes the other to be very bad -- both of them are good, but they were blaming the other one for walking them into a situation where they got hurt, and that they didn't feel they could take responsibility for -- and they didn't tell each other that and stopped interacting with each other at all and didn't tell another person about that injury until two weeks ago.  Which was 30 years later.

I *do* mean to say that this ability is Positive Forward Motion, it is Volitional.  It might not have always been volitional entirely, but I have worked out those synapses a lot.


It was the 70's, Parents weren't nearly as focused as they are now.  There was one time I got left at the Grocery Store with my brother as our mother drove away for a few minutes because she was angry with us for disobeying.  I believe I was four when that happened.  Anyway, when I think about attention-seeking behaviors, I start to feel a "sucking" in my chest.

I can remember my Mom and Brother talking as if I had an Evil Side that must be hidden from me because I acted so innocently.  I remember feeling like maybe I had a dark passenger with me.  What if that was true?  I remember doing some mental gymnastics about "Well, if I have a little devil on my shoulder, I must have a little angel on this one." and it feels to me like the angel is on my left and the devil is on my right shoulder.


My Mom was befuddled as to why I needed so much more attention, and so was I.  As a result of what were being called "negative attention-seeking behaviors" I still don't get that, but it is what they said.  I mean... I "get" it, I just think -- really? you think a kid says "I'm gonna break that thing so Mom gets MAD."  I can't remember having intentionally done something like breaking a thing in anger.  It is possible, I'm not sure.  Not in adulthood, though one time my partner at the time and I got in an argument and he was ignoring me and I had gotten a lot of ignoring as a kid or so I felt and got angry and slammed the lid of a laptop and that broke the screen. I have gotten to the point where I tossed the liquid from a coffee cup onto a wall once, I have done self-destructive behaviors, but the only time I allowed for any physical force of mine to directly touch another person was in a self-defensive move and not a punch, a deflect.